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you tell me me, did I bring the goodies?
it took just about everything not to cry, crumble and phone john and in that order, fucking scary shit, but a good lesson in humility well learnt, and proof that fear is always worth feeling - If some fat troll didn't stamp my foot once she must have done it twenty times, in a space less then four feet wide trying to stay upright, not trip over a suitcase sized camera bag, a foot, a camera cable, microphone cord or diving band member suddenly becomes a hell of a lot harder then you thought it might be, but in a word epic. it took about twenty seconds - probably the twenty second directly after Toby landed feet first in my camera bag and got groped by fifteen overweight Goths like he was the anorexic coming of Christ - to realise this is it.

This is what I want to do, its a fit. I've had about a million career plans since I was sixteen, being a ballerina being the stupidest but I've realised - my toes will get stamped on, my shot will get stolen, there will always be someone who thinks they know more than you, they will stand on your shoes, they will push you around, your entire career is based on absolutely nothing except the click of a button, its going to cost more than a car to be professional, fear is as essential as a spare battery - but I'm okay with it all, if its not a fit the bad isn't worth the good I will get rammed by a woman the size of a monster truck to catch one frame. if that's not some kind of love nothing is.

Okay. less ramble, no cans were thrown and the press pit was bigger than the audience, the merchandise stall was being run by one of their mums, all esoterica fans are absolutely terrible at being members of society as they probably all write my chemical romance fan fiction, a press pass there is about as useful as a handkerchief when you're dying of polio but dude. dude. I'm fucking hanging it on my wall, because secretly I quite like my my chemical romance fan fics and I suck at life.

In other news bong, Tomorrow is Gary & I's three year anniversary, a whole thirty six months since we decided to share lives and not strangle one another with shoelaces. Shame we suck so much at romance though or we'd be in Paris eating cheese and having sex now, but Paris is overrated at best. I think we'll stick with gigs and random vinyl exchanges, it's always good to be on the same page. its not all james bond films and milk tray men ladies who knew true love was so easy to please ♥

:(
Bad times.
I'm posting him a cake with a nail file in it.
Oh jeffra you tool.

Ugh. wuthering heights you hot period drama bitch.

two hours of nonstop heart rending depression. I need a good lie down.
Also heathcliffe would feel my mighty thunder, not sure if that's appropriate for a fictional character?

BTW PPL.
I have seen Morrissey, he is a rather beautful creature. all yellowy and arousing in his sweatiness.
I have the poster to prove it, and the anger the terrible terrible anger only morrissey fans can give you.
two times now my arse has danced to some girls are bigger than others, two times it got tired fast.
Morrissey you genius, I am really bigger than other girls.
also as a quote "the first book was made in france...the country" is hugely random and pointlessly entertaining.


never has words on a roof in Brixton been so exciting.
He truly made me wish I was a gay man so I could show him the length and breadth of my appreciation.
alas my penis will not grow not even for you Moz.

I'm literally hyperventilating, When we went to see white rose movement the other week I was barred from photographing them because there was so many "proffessionals" with press passes, Gary sent me a link from one of the press pass holders and his photos were awful, so I got pissy and decided there is no way I can get ahead without press passes and no press passes available for people who aren't working for a magazine.

Next gig is Esoterica at the Shepherds Bush Empire in September which I wanted to photograph anyway but the venue wont allow it, so I hunted out their personal email and got this back today.


"Hi Gemma,
Unfortunately for most of our career we've not had control over who can and can't be added to very limited guest lists or press passes and as such have not been able to support any hard working individuals such as yourself.

However, as this our headline show to support the release of our new album, for once, we CAN decide - and your portfolio looks great!! I have copied in Gary Trew who is our manager and the promoter of this show - he will be happy to add you to the press list and give you access to all press areas for the show.

Thank you so much for your support, and for taking the time to shoot us at other shows, we genuinely do appreciate it.

See you at the show! :-)"

Luke (esOterica).

CAN I GET A FUCK YES?! I'm shaking. this is amazing.
I love this band, I've loved this band for a long time and they're handing it to me on a plate.
I'm so fucking scared i'm going to screw it up, this is the excuse to go on a major equipment splurge of a lifetime. OH MY GOD.